DIS THIS!
CELEBRITIES WHO DARE TO DRESS DISASTROUSLY GET DIS'ED AND DISMISSED
Monday
THESE CLOTHES ARE MY OWN
Natasha Bedingfield, I'd like to sing you a song I wrote if you don't mind, the tune might be a little familiar, it goes something like this:
"You threw some clothes together
The combination red and white
It's who I am, it's what I do
And so I’m gonna lay it down for you
I try to find something nice to mention
But I feel so distracted by the frills
You need some help, some fashion rehabilitation,
Because you look like a Christmas decoration
Whoah oh...
Try to not to dress so tragic
Try to wear a classic
Don't you know, you’re on show, don't you know?
Closet full of Alessandro Dell’Acqua
Fashion crimes, see you later
You dressed on your own
With no stylist so
I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it
There's no other way
To better say
I hate your beret, I hate it . . . "
SUSIE SUPPORTER
At the Tropfest film festival last night in Sydney, Australian actress Susie Porter, the star of intellectual classics like Welcome to Woop Woop, was seen modeling the Australian equivilant of an I love NY tee, the Bali tourist tee. Despite the fact that the Indonesian government is executing Australians at the same rate their chickens are laying eggs, I’m stoked to see Susie supporting team Bali. The purple shoelace tied tightly around her neck is an especially thoughtful touch that I’m sure the families of the executed and imprisoned Australians will enjoy. No prizes for guessing which team her pale blue cowboy hatwearing side kick supports.
Friday
WHITE HOT
Rainbow Jeremy from the band Whitestarr is like, the hottest guy I have ever seen. Everything about him just screams sex. From the subtle hint of public hair peeking out from the top of his seductively tight low waisted jeans to the finely chiseld V shape of his lust thrusting abdominals, this guy was put on the planet to make woman swoon. My knees weaken at the sight of his tightly fit red pleather jacket, so tight that he can only do one button up, leaving me with an enticing flash of magnificently pale and pastey flesh. It all just makes me want to throw him up against the wall and ran my fingers through his gorgeous curly locks of love.
Mischa Barton’s really onto something here dating Rainbow’s band mate Cisco Adler, that band is a breeding ground for hot hunky honeys. Not.
Tuesday
THE EMANCIPATION OF MARY KATE
Mary Kate Olsen, I might get stoned by the Fat Police for saying this but I liked you better when you were anorexic and on the verge of near death. You were so much more interesting with your light headed vagueness and skeletal disguising designer outfits and most importantly you didn’t take your fashion queues from the likes of Mariah Carey.
I’m sure Mariah Carey thinks she is the reincarnation of Boticelli’s Venus angel with her long flowing locks, but what works for a delusional depressant like Mariah Carey and what works for someone the size of her left shin bone shouldn’t be confused. Before you went all Cousin It on us you were a little quirky and unusual at times but your hair was confined to your head and didn’t appear to weigh more than you did. Now unless your hair has grown long and curly because you started eating the crusts on your bread, in which case I’m proud of you for eating in the first place, then I would rather see your new found curves than a mass of cascading Carey curls.
Mary Kate Olsen is pictured here at the entrance to her's and sister Ashely's fashion show in Sydney yesterday and Mariah Carey is at the TRL Awards in New York.
Monday
PREGNANT PARIS?
Either Paris Hilton is really busting for a wee or there’s something other than urine housed inside that belly of hers. The stomach applifying curve motif on her hideously ‘hot’ pink negligee inspired dress only serves to confirm my suspicions.
Meanwhile it appears Nicky Hilton has taken a leaf out of the sister cloning Simpson book and borrowed Ashlee’s fake tan and Mama Hilton has had her face frozen in time either from the shock of finding out she’s going to be a grandmother or by a serious storm of botox.
Friday
THE SIMPSONS
Not satisfied with the amount of attention she’s received from lip syncing her own songs and throwing drunken tantrums at McDonald’s employees, Ashlee Simpson has now decided that the best way to get as much attention as older sister Jessica is to be Jessica. Except she’s going to do it better. She’s going bleach blonder, she’s going dangerously darker with the fake tan, she’s getting whiter than white teeth, she’s making dumber than dumb comments and she’s . . . pulling the peace sign?
Okay, a few words to the not so wise here Ash coz brains don’t exactly run in the Simpson family. Pulling the peace sign hasn’t been cool since 1994, unless you’re a Japanese tourist having your picture taken in front of a major landmark or you’re Bart Simpson. And even though your last name is also Simpson and you do have a rather orange glow about you today it’s still not on. And neither is impersonating your older sister when your own career doesn't work out. If I was Jessica I’d tear you into pieces of you.
Oh and by the way what brand of fake tan do you use? I just wanted to make sure that I never buy it.
Thursday
D FOR DISASTROUS
Natalie Portman at the V for Vendetta press conference in Tokyo earlier today . . .
“I’m fine everyone, really I’m okay. I know you must have been alarmed when you saw me walk in and thought I must have been in a horrible car accident on my way to this press conference because the top of my shirt looks like a neck brace, but there’s no reason to be alarmed, this shirt is purposly designed to have a really uncomfortably high and restricting, unflattering neckline. I know it looks like it’s on backwards too but I assure you, I really do, that it is in fact on the correct way. I went to Harvard you know so I am smart enough to recognize the correct way to wear a garment. Even though I wasn't smart enough this morning to put my underpants on first instead of last, I do know the correct way to wear a shirt."
BONES VS. BOOBS
For Nicole Ritchie and Pamela Anderson Valentines Day was spent in the kind of thoughtful and selfless manner you would expect from celebrities of their calibre, they prostituted themselves for products. Nicole was in New York handing out free Dr Pepper samples and Pamela was in Melbourne showing us her green M & M’s. But which of these beauties did it best?
Round 1 – Colour Co-ordination
Pamela has gone for the obvious choice here with the silky satin green dress (she is the poster girl for Playboy, not Mensa) whilst Nicole, to compliment the Dr Pepper can that she’s holding as far away from her mouth as possible in case any calories jump onto her, has subtly painted her nails red, thrown on a pair of her trademark clown sunglasses and then wrapped herself in the nearest dead animal in a move to either warm her own protruding skeleton or disguise it. Which brings me to my next point . . .
Round 2 – Consuming Believability
Nicole Ritchie was originally booked to be the spokesperson for green M&M’s until some genius at M&M headquarters realized that an anorexic drug addict wasn’t the most believable spokesperson for their brand. Well done to Dr Pepper for jumping in and snapping up Nicole Ritchie because I certainly believe that she’s an authority on diets and if she’s that skinny just from drinking Dr Pepper then I want some too. (Somehow though I find it hard to imagine that any consumable item, be it be a food or a diet beverage has entered Nicole’s mouth lately). As for Pamela Anderson, let’s just say that I fully believe things will melt in her mouth and not in her hand.
It’s as obvious to me as Pamela Anderson’s protruding chest that she is the far more favourable of these two to be promoting a food or beverage and so I hereby declare Pamela Anderson the winner of this battle. Nicole Ritchie, you are officially dismissed.
Tuesday
FASHION WEEK FLOP
I love Rachel Bilson and her character Summer from The O.C more than I love chocolate when I’m menstruating but what I’m not loving about Rachel right now is what she wore to fashion designer Derek Lam’s show last week at New York Fashion Week.
The layering of long sleeved, high necked tops under designer dresses has got to stop! Just look at what this trend has done to poor Rachel. I can’t decide if she looks more like a mime or a maid, neither of which is a flattering look for a beautiful young girl with an amazing figure.
What I want to know is who is responsible for starting this trend and when is it going to end? I’m assuming it originated from some kind of Cosmopolitan magazine tip on how to wear your favourite summer dresses through the cold winter months and so I’m crossing my fingers that with the passing of the northern hemisphere winter this trend too will pass onto wherever it is that other horribly unflattering warmth providing trends like leg warmers and fingerless gloves now exist.
Friday
GRAMMYS: WHEN YOU LOOK AT ME
Christina Milian, when I first glanced at this picture of you one of your songs started playing in my head:
Tell me who do you think you see
You’re standing in your corner looking out on me
You think I’m so predictable
Tell me who do you think I am
Looks can be deceiving
Better guess again
Tell me what you see
When you look at me
Okay well since you asked, what I see when I look at you is confusion. I don’t get it. I don’t understand this dress at all and I don’t think the designer who created it does either. It’s one part genie in a bottle, two parts “we couldn’t decide what colour it should be” and three parts “should I bare my midrift or not? Yes, no, yes, no, yes”. And by the way, what is your actual name anyway? You’ve been credited as Christina Milian, Christine Flores and Tina Flores so is one of them your real name or it a combination of all three? Or should I guess again? You’re all over the place Christina, if that’s even your name. I am encouraged by the fact that you’ve established yourself as a thoroughly typecast actress, playing a band member in American Pie and the member of a girl band in Be Cool, but I think I’m going to need to see some more consistency from you before I can tell you exactly what I see.
GRAMMYS: FIREFLIES AND STEPFORD WIVES
You would think with all the cash they’re raking in celebrities wouldn’t have to beg borrow or steal from anyone, but once again I’m seeing yet another celebrity walking the carpet in a dress she stole from the wardrobe department of a movie she featured in. I realise that Faith Hill is the mother of 3 children and probably doesn’t have time to shop, sing and drop the kids at school but that’s no excuse for her to attend a music awards ceremony wearing a dress she pilfered from the set of The Stepford Wives, and such hideously ugly one at that.
I'm sure country music fans in trailer parks across the globe were praising Faith's sense of style and sophistication here but I don't live in a trailer park, I have all my teeth and I read Vogue and I think it's horrific.
Thursday
GRAMMYS: MISSING OLSEN TRIPLET FOUND!
At 6pm local time in Los Angeles yesterday evening Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen's long lost triplet Fiona Apple, was discovered walking the green carpet at the 48th Annual Grammy Awards. A wised up reporter raised the alarm upon Fiona's entry when she recognized the uncanny resemblance between the 3 girls. Further research revealed that Fiona was abandoned by the Olsen family in 1987 when the tiny tot bombed her audition for the popular television sitcom Full House. Fiona was then taken in by the Apple family and grew up on Manhattan's Upper West side and now resides in Venice Beach, California where she enjoys a successful career as a singer.
It has not yet been confirmed when she will be reunited with sisters Mary Kate and Ashley.
GRAMMYS: JOSS STONED
Joss Stone, you seem so sweet and bubbly and you’re such the hippy chick with your daisy behind your ear and your long flowing dresses and barefoot performances, but like all things sweet and bubbly there comes a point when you consume too much and begin to feel ill. That’s how I feel when I look at you here. I am no longer prepared to devour your cheerful disposition while you insist on wearing psychedelic print dresses that make me either feel like I know what it’s like to be on acid or give me a headache. Please return your dress to Athena Star Woman’s wardrobe and leave the slitty eyed smiling to Renee Zellweger and maybe then we can talk about getting you a better fashion endorsement deal than Gap.
Wednesday
GRAMMYS 2005 FLASHBACK: SHERYL CROW
In anticipation of the 2006 Grammy Awards airing tonight, I’d like to present a fashion flashback or two to last years awards.
Sheryl Crow was either under pressure to match her outfit and bag with Lance’s yellow Live Strong bracelet or she literally soaked up the sun at last years’ Grammy Awards. The end result of which was a bikini dress that would have looked more at home on a Dancing with the Stars contestant than it did on an ageing rocker like Miss Crow, who’s going to remain a Miss for a while longer now that Lance Armstrong will only be mounting his bike from now on and not her. Look on the bright side Shez, you can wear any colour you like to this years’ Grammys and no one will complain, not even me, promise.
GRAMMYS 2005 FLASH BACK: NELLY
More country club than country grammar, rapper Nelly arrived at last years Grammys dressed like Walter Matheau’s character from Grumpy Old Men. Close inspection of the bio on his website reveals that this was more of a publicity stunt to promote his album titled Suit than an attempt to impersonate an incontinent 80 year old man:
“Though the clothes don’t make the man, Nelly’s Suit is woven from the fabric of hip-hop’s growing embrace of the maturity of its practioners and an acknowledgement that even youth culture must grow up at some point. Suit is nothing off-the-rack. It’s a custom-cut statement of maturity and sensuality that not only speaks to the truths of its creator, but represents the evolution of an art form.”
That’s the biggest load of publicity poop I’ve ever heard but he was certainly spot on with the maturity part and I’m actually glad the clothes don’t make the man because then that would make Nelly the major of Nellyville instead of the album’s singer.
I really hope he dresses to promote his album Sweat at this years Grammys, I’d like to see that.
Tuesday
LAZY LEFT EYE HILTON
Despite an obvious obsession with her appearance, it amazes me that Paris Hilton has failed to ever correct her lazy left eye. Every time I look at a photograph of her I am strangely distracted by it in the same way the stump of a one armed person is distracting. You want to be polite and focus on something else, their face, their outfit, their insanely orange spray tan, but your gaze is magnetically drawn back to the obvious imperfection before you.
My guess is that the eye is to blame for her recent storage facility scandal. You try reading an outstanding account statement with only one and a half eyes open. Now the storage company has sold off her possessions and she’s all upset and “devasted” that her private diaries and photographs will become public. But hasn’t this already happened? Or had I traveled forward in time when I saw Confessions of a Heiress on the shelf at the book store?
It doesn’t matter what Paris Hilton wears, does, or who she’s doing it with, all I’m ever going to see is that eye.
Monday
SUPER BEAUTIFUL MISTER
If Angelina Jolie had a threesome with Tommy Lee and one of the girls from Tatu then my guess is that the resulting love child would look something like this.
Allow me to introduce you to she-man punk rocker Bif Naked. Just when you think this couldn’t get any weirder or more bizarre, wait until I tell you where this photo was taken. At the after party for the 2006 Lingerie Bowl. Yes it’s just like the real Superbowl only the players are strippers and c grade celebrities wearing bras and panties with their player numbers emblazed across their left bra cup. It sounds more like the wet dream of a pre-pubescent young boy than an actual televised event but believe me it’s real and it happened yesterday in Los Angeles and the New York Euphoria team took the title. Bif here was at the after party promotiong her new album Superbeautifulmonster which I'm guessing is an autobiography?
Friday
ANGELINA JOLIE: HUSBAND RAIDER
She snatched Billy Bob Thornton away from Laura Dern with the promise of matching grave stones and vials of blood, she lured Brad Pitt away from Jennifer Aniston with cute little foreign orphans and third world countries, and now karma has caught up with Angelina Jolie, she’s got side burns.
Some might say it’s caused by pregnancy hormones, it could be for a movie role, but something tells me that Miss Jolie here has raided one too many woman's husbands and revenge is being served in the form of excess facial hair.
Thursday
BAD PRESS
I have absolutely no idea who Natalie Press is and I don’t particularly care. What I do care about however is the heinous crime against fashion she’s committing here and that she’s doing it at a Lanvin VIP party in London. You would think that if you were attending a party for a top fashion design house that you might want to look, I don’t know, fashionable? Unless your idea of fashionable is your 4 year old sister styling you with the contents of her dress up box. What kind of a sane person over the age of 4 would wear a long sleeved grey skivvy (polo neck, turtle neck –whatever) under a dress, with grey stockings, bright green shoes and a bag that doesn’t match or compliment the ensemble in any way? No one! It’s not even close to that whole ‘mismatching is cool’ Sienna Miller-esque thing if that’s what she was going for here. Nope, I’m sorry Natalie, the only press you’re getting for this one is bad.
Wednesday
Sydney SAG Awards
Whilst the real celebrities were attending the SAG awards in LA, the wannabe celebrities of Sydney were out in force at the Arena TV SAG Awards Viewing Luncheon. Sadly Kate Fischer, the poor mans Elle McPherson, wasn't clued up on what the SAG part meant and arrived with some sag of her own. When you’ve dated a billionaire’s son, modeled, acted and been on a reality TV show then you must be really smart, so I don’t know how this one escaped poor Kate. I don’t know how a lot of things escaped Kate, like James Packer for one, but one thing that is not escaping her here is a few nominations.
Worst Supporting Act: Pink Sparkly Top
Best Use of Tan Lines in a Leading Role: The Sag Twins
Most likely to have thrown up in the toilet 5 minutes after this photo was taken: Kate Fischer
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DIS THIS!
CELEBRITIES WHO DARE TO DRESS DISASTROUSLY GET DIS'ED AND DISMISSED
Monday
THESE CLOTHES ARE MY OWN
Natasha Bedingfield, I'd like to sing you a song I wrote if you don't mind, the tune might be a little familiar, it goes something like this:
"You threw some clothes together
The combination red and white
It's who I am, it's what I do
And so I’m gonna lay it down for you
I try to find something nice to mention
But I feel so distracted by the frills
You need some help, some fashion rehabilitation,
Because you look like a Christmas decoration
Whoah oh...
Try to not to dress so tragic
Try to wear a classic
Don't you know, you’re on show, don't you know?
Closet full of Alessandro Dell’Acqua
Fashion crimes, see you later
You dressed on your own
With no stylist so
I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it
There's no other way
To better say
I hate your beret, I hate it . . . "
SUSIE SUPPORTER
At the Tropfest film festival last night in Sydney, Australian actress Susie Porter, the star of intellectual classics like Welcome to Woop Woop, was seen modeling the Australian equivilant of an I love NY tee, the Bali tourist tee. Despite the fact that the Indonesian government is executing Australians at the same rate their chickens are laying eggs, I’m stoked to see Susie supporting team Bali. The purple shoelace tied tightly around her neck is an especially thoughtful touch that I’m sure the families of the executed and imprisoned Australians will enjoy. No prizes for guessing which team her pale blue cowboy hatwearing side kick supports.
Friday
WHITE HOT
Rainbow Jeremy from the band Whitestarr is like, the hottest guy I have ever seen. Everything about him just screams sex. From the subtle hint of public hair peeking out from the top of his seductively tight low waisted jeans to the finely chiseld V shape of his lust thrusting abdominals, this guy was put on the planet to make woman swoon. My knees weaken at the sight of his tightly fit red pleather jacket, so tight that he can only do one button up, leaving me with an enticing flash of magnificently pale and pastey flesh. It all just makes me want to throw him up against the wall and ran my fingers through his gorgeous curly locks of love.
Mischa Barton’s really onto something here dating Rainbow’s band mate Cisco Adler, that band is a breeding ground for hot hunky honeys. Not.
Tuesday
THE EMANCIPATION OF MARY KATE
Mary Kate Olsen, I might get stoned by the Fat Police for saying this but I liked you better when you were anorexic and on the verge of near death. You were so much more interesting with your light headed vagueness and skeletal disguising designer outfits and most importantly you didn’t take your fashion queues from the likes of Mariah Carey.
I’m sure Mariah Carey thinks she is the reincarnation of Boticelli’s Venus angel with her long flowing locks, but what works for a delusional depressant like Mariah Carey and what works for someone the size of her left shin bone shouldn’t be confused. Before you went all Cousin It on us you were a little quirky and unusual at times but your hair was confined to your head and didn’t appear to weigh more than you did. Now unless your hair has grown long and curly because you started eating the crusts on your bread, in which case I’m proud of you for eating in the first place, then I would rather see your new found curves than a mass of cascading Carey curls.
Mary Kate Olsen is pictured here at the entrance to her's and sister Ashely's fashion show in Sydney yesterday and Mariah Carey is at the TRL Awards in New York.
Monday
PREGNANT PARIS?
Either Paris Hilton is really busting for a wee or there’s something other than urine housed inside that belly of hers. The stomach applifying curve motif on her hideously ‘hot’ pink negligee inspired dress only serves to confirm my suspicions.
Meanwhile it appears Nicky Hilton has taken a leaf out of the sister cloning Simpson book and borrowed Ashlee’s fake tan and Mama Hilton has had her face frozen in time either from the shock of finding out she’s going to be a grandmother or by a serious storm of botox.
Friday
THE SIMPSONS
Not satisfied with the amount of attention she’s received from lip syncing her own songs and throwing drunken tantrums at McDonald’s employees, Ashlee Simpson has now decided that the best way to get as much attention as older sister Jessica is to be Jessica. Except she’s going to do it better. She’s going bleach blonder, she’s going dangerously darker with the fake tan, she’s getting whiter than white teeth, she’s making dumber than dumb comments and she’s . . . pulling the peace sign?
Okay, a few words to the not so wise here Ash coz brains don’t exactly run in the Simpson family. Pulling the peace sign hasn’t been cool since 1994, unless you’re a Japanese tourist having your picture taken in front of a major landmark or you’re Bart Simpson. And even though your last name is also Simpson and you do have a rather orange glow about you today it’s still not on. And neither is impersonating your older sister when your own career doesn't work out. If I was Jessica I’d tear you into pieces of you.
Oh and by the way what brand of fake tan do you use? I just wanted to make sure that I never buy it.
Thursday
D FOR DISASTROUS
Natalie Portman at the V for Vendetta press conference in Tokyo earlier today . . .
“I’m fine everyone, really I’m okay. I know you must have been alarmed when you saw me walk in and thought I must have been in a horrible car accident on my way to this press conference because the top of my shirt looks like a neck brace, but there’s no reason to be alarmed, this shirt is purposly designed to have a really uncomfortably high and restricting, unflattering neckline. I know it looks like it’s on backwards too but I assure you, I really do, that it is in fact on the correct way. I went to Harvard you know so I am smart enough to recognize the correct way to wear a garment. Even though I wasn't smart enough this morning to put my underpants on first instead of last, I do know the correct way to wear a shirt."
BONES VS. BOOBS
For Nicole Ritchie and Pamela Anderson Valentines Day was spent in the kind of thoughtful and selfless manner you would expect from celebrities of their calibre, they prostituted themselves for products. Nicole was in New York handing out free Dr Pepper samples and Pamela was in Melbourne showing us her green M & M’s. But which of these beauties did it best?
Round 1 – Colour Co-ordination
Pamela has gone for the obvious choice here with the silky satin green dress (she is the poster girl for Playboy, not Mensa) whilst Nicole, to compliment the Dr Pepper can that she’s holding as far away from her mouth as possible in case any calories jump onto her, has subtly painted her nails red, thrown on a pair of her trademark clown sunglasses and then wrapped herself in the nearest dead animal in a move to either warm her own protruding skeleton or disguise it. Which brings me to my next point . . .
Round 2 – Consuming Believability
Nicole Ritchie was originally booked to be the spokesperson for green M&M’s until some genius at M&M headquarters realized that an anorexic drug addict wasn’t the most believable spokesperson for their brand. Well done to Dr Pepper for jumping in and snapping up Nicole Ritchie because I certainly believe that she’s an authority on diets and if she’s that skinny just from drinking Dr Pepper then I want some too. (Somehow though I find it hard to imagine that any consumable item, be it be a food or a diet beverage has entered Nicole’s mouth lately). As for Pamela Anderson, let’s just say that I fully believe things will melt in her mouth and not in her hand.
It’s as obvious to me as Pamela Anderson’s protruding chest that she is the far more favourable of these two to be promoting a food or beverage and so I hereby declare Pamela Anderson the winner of this battle. Nicole Ritchie, you are officially dismissed.
Tuesday
FASHION WEEK FLOP
I love Rachel Bilson and her character Summer from The O.C more than I love chocolate when I’m menstruating but what I’m not loving about Rachel right now is what she wore to fashion designer Derek Lam’s show last week at New York Fashion Week.
The layering of long sleeved, high necked tops under designer dresses has got to stop! Just look at what this trend has done to poor Rachel. I can’t decide if she looks more like a mime or a maid, neither of which is a flattering look for a beautiful young girl with an amazing figure.
What I want to know is who is responsible for starting this trend and when is it going to end? I’m assuming it originated from some kind of Cosmopolitan magazine tip on how to wear your favourite summer dresses through the cold winter months and so I’m crossing my fingers that with the passing of the northern hemisphere winter this trend too will pass onto wherever it is that other horribly unflattering warmth providing trends like leg warmers and fingerless gloves now exist.
Friday
GRAMMYS: WHEN YOU LOOK AT ME
Christina Milian, when I first glanced at this picture of you one of your songs started playing in my head:
Tell me who do you think you see
You’re standing in your corner looking out on me
You think I’m so predictable
Tell me who do you think I am
Looks can be deceiving
Better guess again
Tell me what you see
When you look at me
Okay well since you asked, what I see when I look at you is confusion. I don’t get it. I don’t understand this dress at all and I don’t think the designer who created it does either. It’s one part genie in a bottle, two parts “we couldn’t decide what colour it should be” and three parts “should I bare my midrift or not? Yes, no, yes, no, yes”. And by the way, what is your actual name anyway? You’ve been credited as Christina Milian, Christine Flores and Tina Flores so is one of them your real name or it a combination of all three? Or should I guess again? You’re all over the place Christina, if that’s even your name. I am encouraged by the fact that you’ve established yourself as a thoroughly typecast actress, playing a band member in American Pie and the member of a girl band in Be Cool, but I think I’m going to need to see some more consistency from you before I can tell you exactly what I see.
GRAMMYS: FIREFLIES AND STEPFORD WIVES
You would think with all the cash they’re raking in celebrities wouldn’t have to beg borrow or steal from anyone, but once again I’m seeing yet another celebrity walking the carpet in a dress she stole from the wardrobe department of a movie she featured in. I realise that Faith Hill is the mother of 3 children and probably doesn’t have time to shop, sing and drop the kids at school but that’s no excuse for her to attend a music awards ceremony wearing a dress she pilfered from the set of The Stepford Wives, and such hideously ugly one at that.
I'm sure country music fans in trailer parks across the globe were praising Faith's sense of style and sophistication here but I don't live in a trailer park, I have all my teeth and I read Vogue and I think it's horrific.
Thursday
GRAMMYS: MISSING OLSEN TRIPLET FOUND!
At 6pm local time in Los Angeles yesterday evening Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen's long lost triplet Fiona Apple, was discovered walking the green carpet at the 48th Annual Grammy Awards. A wised up reporter raised the alarm upon Fiona's entry when she recognized the uncanny resemblance between the 3 girls. Further research revealed that Fiona was abandoned by the Olsen family in 1987 when the tiny tot bombed her audition for the popular television sitcom Full House. Fiona was then taken in by the Apple family and grew up on Manhattan's Upper West side and now resides in Venice Beach, California where she enjoys a successful career as a singer.
It has not yet been confirmed when she will be reunited with sisters Mary Kate and Ashley.
GRAMMYS: JOSS STONED
Joss Stone, you seem so sweet and bubbly and you’re such the hippy chick with your daisy behind your ear and your long flowing dresses and barefoot performances, but like all things sweet and bubbly there comes a point when you consume too much and begin to feel ill. That’s how I feel when I look at you here. I am no longer prepared to devour your cheerful disposition while you insist on wearing psychedelic print dresses that make me either feel like I know what it’s like to be on acid or give me a headache. Please return your dress to Athena Star Woman’s wardrobe and leave the slitty eyed smiling to Renee Zellweger and maybe then we can talk about getting you a better fashion endorsement deal than Gap.
Wednesday
GRAMMYS 2005 FLASHBACK: SHERYL CROW
In anticipation of the 2006 Grammy Awards airing tonight, I’d like to present a fashion flashback or two to last years awards.
Sheryl Crow was either under pressure to match her outfit and bag with Lance’s yellow Live Strong bracelet or she literally soaked up the sun at last years’ Grammy Awards. The end result of which was a bikini dress that would have looked more at home on a Dancing with the Stars contestant than it did on an ageing rocker like Miss Crow, who’s going to remain a Miss for a while longer now that Lance Armstrong will only be mounting his bike from now on and not her. Look on the bright side Shez, you can wear any colour you like to this years’ Grammys and no one will complain, not even me, promise.
GRAMMYS 2005 FLASH BACK: NELLY
More country club than country grammar, rapper Nelly arrived at last years Grammys dressed like Walter Matheau’s character from Grumpy Old Men. Close inspection of the bio on his website reveals that this was more of a publicity stunt to promote his album titled Suit than an attempt to impersonate an incontinent 80 year old man:
“Though the clothes don’t make the man, Nelly’s Suit is woven from the fabric of hip-hop’s growing embrace of the maturity of its practioners and an acknowledgement that even youth culture must grow up at some point. Suit is nothing off-the-rack. It’s a custom-cut statement of maturity and sensuality that not only speaks to the truths of its creator, but represents the evolution of an art form.”
That’s the biggest load of publicity poop I’ve ever heard but he was certainly spot on with the maturity part and I’m actually glad the clothes don’t make the man because then that would make Nelly the major of Nellyville instead of the album’s singer.
I really hope he dresses to promote his album Sweat at this years Grammys, I’d like to see that.
Tuesday
LAZY LEFT EYE HILTON
Despite an obvious obsession with her appearance, it amazes me that Paris Hilton has failed to ever correct her lazy left eye. Every time I look at a photograph of her I am strangely distracted by it in the same way the stump of a one armed person is distracting. You want to be polite and focus on something else, their face, their outfit, their insanely orange spray tan, but your gaze is magnetically drawn back to the obvious imperfection before you.
My guess is that the eye is to blame for her recent storage facility scandal. You try reading an outstanding account statement with only one and a half eyes open. Now the storage company has sold off her possessions and she’s all upset and “devasted” that her private diaries and photographs will become public. But hasn’t this already happened? Or had I traveled forward in time when I saw Confessions of a Heiress on the shelf at the book store?
It doesn’t matter what Paris Hilton wears, does, or who she’s doing it with, all I’m ever going to see is that eye.
Monday
SUPER BEAUTIFUL MISTER
If Angelina Jolie had a threesome with Tommy Lee and one of the girls from Tatu then my guess is that the resulting love child would look something like this.
Allow me to introduce you to she-man punk rocker Bif Naked. Just when you think this couldn’t get any weirder or more bizarre, wait until I tell you where this photo was taken. At the after party for the 2006 Lingerie Bowl. Yes it’s just like the real Superbowl only the players are strippers and c grade celebrities wearing bras and panties with their player numbers emblazed across their left bra cup. It sounds more like the wet dream of a pre-pubescent young boy than an actual televised event but believe me it’s real and it happened yesterday in Los Angeles and the New York Euphoria team took the title. Bif here was at the after party promotiong her new album Superbeautifulmonster which I'm guessing is an autobiography?
Friday
ANGELINA JOLIE: HUSBAND RAIDER
She snatched Billy Bob Thornton away from Laura Dern with the promise of matching grave stones and vials of blood, she lured Brad Pitt away from Jennifer Aniston with cute little foreign orphans and third world countries, and now karma has caught up with Angelina Jolie, she’s got side burns.
Some might say it’s caused by pregnancy hormones, it could be for a movie role, but something tells me that Miss Jolie here has raided one too many woman's husbands and revenge is being served in the form of excess facial hair.
Thursday
BAD PRESS
I have absolutely no idea who Natalie Press is and I don’t particularly care. What I do care about however is the heinous crime against fashion she’s committing here and that she’s doing it at a Lanvin VIP party in London. You would think that if you were attending a party for a top fashion design house that you might want to look, I don’t know, fashionable? Unless your idea of fashionable is your 4 year old sister styling you with the contents of her dress up box. What kind of a sane person over the age of 4 would wear a long sleeved grey skivvy (polo neck, turtle neck –whatever) under a dress, with grey stockings, bright green shoes and a bag that doesn’t match or compliment the ensemble in any way? No one! It’s not even close to that whole ‘mismatching is cool’ Sienna Miller-esque thing if that’s what she was going for here. Nope, I’m sorry Natalie, the only press you’re getting for this one is bad.
Wednesday
Sydney SAG Awards
Whilst the real celebrities were attending the SAG awards in LA, the wannabe celebrities of Sydney were out in force at the Arena TV SAG Awards Viewing Luncheon. Sadly Kate Fischer, the poor mans Elle McPherson, wasn't clued up on what the SAG part meant and arrived with some sag of her own. When you’ve dated a billionaire’s son, modeled, acted and been on a reality TV show then you must be really smart, so I don’t know how this one escaped poor Kate. I don’t know how a lot of things escaped Kate, like James Packer for one, but one thing that is not escaping her here is a few nominations.
Worst Supporting Act: Pink Sparkly Top
Best Use of Tan Lines in a Leading Role: The Sag Twins
Most likely to have thrown up in the toilet 5 minutes after this photo was taken: Kate Fischer
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CELEBRITIES WHO DARE TO DRESS DISASTROUSLY GET DIS'ED AND DISMISSED |
MondayTHESE CLOTHES ARE MY OWNNatasha Bedingfield, I'd like to sing you a song I wrote if you don't mind, the tune might be a little familiar, it goes something like this:  "You threw some clothes togetherThe combination red and white It's who I am, it's what I do And so I’m gonna lay it down for you I try to find something nice to mention But I feel so distracted by the frills You need some help, some fashion rehabilitation, Because you look like a Christmas decoration Whoah oh... Try to not to dress so tragic Try to wear a classic Don't you know, you’re on show, don't you know? Closet full of Alessandro Dell’Acqua Fashion crimes, see you later You dressed on your own With no stylist so I hate it, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it There's no other way To better say I hate your beret, I hate it . . . " SUSIE SUPPORTER At the Tropfest film festival last night in Sydney, Australian actress Susie Porter, the star of intellectual classics like Welcome to Woop Woop, was seen modeling the Australian equivilant of an I love NY tee, the Bali tourist tee. Despite the fact that the Indonesian government is executing Australians at the same rate their chickens are laying eggs, I’m stoked to see Susie supporting team Bali. The purple shoelace tied tightly around her neck is an especially thoughtful touch that I’m sure the families of the executed and imprisoned Australians will enjoy. No prizes for guessing which team her pale blue cowboy hatwearing side kick supports. FridayWHITE HOT Rainbow Jeremy from the band Whitestarr is like, the hottest guy I have ever seen. Everything about him just screams sex. From the subtle hint of public hair peeking out from the top of his seductively tight low waisted jeans to the finely chiseld V shape of his lust thrusting abdominals, this guy was put on the planet to make woman swoon. My knees weaken at the sight of his tightly fit red pleather jacket, so tight that he can only do one button up, leaving me with an enticing flash of magnificently pale and pastey flesh. It all just makes me want to throw him up against the wall and ran my fingers through his gorgeous curly locks of love.Mischa Barton’s really onto something here dating Rainbow’s band mate Cisco Adler, that band is a breeding ground for hot hunky honeys. Not. TuesdayTHE EMANCIPATION OF MARY KATE  Mary Kate Olsen, I might get stoned by the Fat Police for saying this but I liked you better when you were anorexic and on the verge of near death. You were so much more interesting with your light headed vagueness and skeletal disguising designer outfits and most importantly you didn’t take your fashion queues from the likes of Mariah Carey.I’m sure Mariah Carey thinks she is the reincarnation of Boticelli’s Venus angel with her long flowing locks, but what works for a delusional depressant like Mariah Carey and what works for someone the size of her left shin bone shouldn’t be confused. Before you went all Cousin It on us you were a little quirky and unusual at times but your hair was confined to your head and didn’t appear to weigh more than you did. Now unless your hair has grown long and curly because you started eating the crusts on your bread, in which case I’m proud of you for eating in the first place, then I would rather see your new found curves than a mass of cascading Carey curls. Mary Kate Olsen is pictured here at the entrance to her's and sister Ashely's fashion show in Sydney yesterday and Mariah Carey is at the TRL Awards in New York. MondayPREGNANT PARIS? Either Paris Hilton is really busting for a wee or there’s something other than urine housed inside that belly of hers. The stomach applifying curve motif on her hideously ‘hot’ pink negligee inspired dress only serves to confirm my suspicions.Meanwhile it appears Nicky Hilton has taken a leaf out of the sister cloning Simpson book and borrowed Ashlee’s fake tan and Mama Hilton has had her face frozen in time either from the shock of finding out she’s going to be a grandmother or by a serious storm of botox. FridayTHE SIMPSONS Not satisfied with the amount of attention she’s received from lip syncing her own songs and throwing drunken tantrums at McDonald’s employees, Ashlee Simpson has now decided that the best way to get as much attention as older sister Jessica is to be Jessica. Except she’s going to do it better. She’s going bleach blonder, she’s going dangerously darker with the fake tan, she’s getting whiter than white teeth, she’s making dumber than dumb comments and she’s . . . pulling the peace sign?Okay, a few words to the not so wise here Ash coz brains don’t exactly run in the Simpson family. Pulling the peace sign hasn’t been cool since 1994, unless you’re a Japanese tourist having your picture taken in front of a major landmark or you’re Bart Simpson. And even though your last name is also Simpson and you do have a rather orange glow about you today it’s still not on. And neither is impersonating your older sister when your own career doesn't work out. If I was Jessica I’d tear you into pieces of you. Oh and by the way what brand of fake tan do you use? I just wanted to make sure that I never buy it. ThursdayD FOR DISASTROUS Natalie Portman at the V for Vendetta press conference in Tokyo earlier today . . .“I’m fine everyone, really I’m okay. I know you must have been alarmed when you saw me walk in and thought I must have been in a horrible car accident on my way to this press conference because the top of my shirt looks like a neck brace, but there’s no reason to be alarmed, this shirt is purposly designed to have a really uncomfortably high and restricting, unflattering neckline. I know it looks like it’s on backwards too but I assure you, I really do, that it is in fact on the correct way. I went to Harvard you know so I am smart enough to recognize the correct way to wear a garment. Even though I wasn't smart enough this morning to put my underpants on first instead of last, I do know the correct way to wear a shirt." BONES VS. BOOBS  For Nicole Ritchie and Pamela Anderson Valentines Day was spent in the kind of thoughtful and selfless manner you would expect from celebrities of their calibre, they prostituted themselves for products. Nicole was in New York handing out free Dr Pepper samples and Pamela was in Melbourne showing us her green M & M’s. But which of these beauties did it best? Round 1 – Colour Co-ordination Pamela has gone for the obvious choice here with the silky satin green dress (she is the poster girl for Playboy, not Mensa) whilst Nicole, to compliment the Dr Pepper can that she’s holding as far away from her mouth as possible in case any calories jump onto her, has subtly painted her nails red, thrown on a pair of her trademark clown sunglasses and then wrapped herself in the nearest dead animal in a move to either warm her own protruding skeleton or disguise it. Which brings me to my next point . . . Round 2 – Consuming Believability Nicole Ritchie was originally booked to be the spokesperson for green M&M’s until some genius at M&M headquarters realized that an anorexic drug addict wasn’t the most believable spokesperson for their brand. Well done to Dr Pepper for jumping in and snapping up Nicole Ritchie because I certainly believe that she’s an authority on diets and if she’s that skinny just from drinking Dr Pepper then I want some too. (Somehow though I find it hard to imagine that any consumable item, be it be a food or a diet beverage has entered Nicole’s mouth lately). As for Pamela Anderson, let’s just say that I fully believe things will melt in her mouth and not in her hand. It’s as obvious to me as Pamela Anderson’s protruding chest that she is the far more favourable of these two to be promoting a food or beverage and so I hereby declare Pamela Anderson the winner of this battle. Nicole Ritchie, you are officially dismissed. TuesdayFASHION WEEK FLOPI love Rachel Bilson and her character Summer from The O.C more than I love chocolate when I’m menstruating but what I’m not loving about Rachel right now is what she wore to fashion designer Derek Lam’s show last week at New York Fashion Week.  The layering of long sleeved, high necked tops under designer dresses has got to stop! Just look at what this trend has done to poor Rachel. I can’t decide if she looks more like a mime or a maid, neither of which is a flattering look for a beautiful young girl with an amazing figure. What I want to know is who is responsible for starting this trend and when is it going to end? I’m assuming it originated from some kind of Cosmopolitan magazine tip on how to wear your favourite summer dresses through the cold winter months and so I’m crossing my fingers that with the passing of the northern hemisphere winter this trend too will pass onto wherever it is that other horribly unflattering warmth providing trends like leg warmers and fingerless gloves now exist. FridayGRAMMYS: WHEN YOU LOOK AT ME Christina Milian, when I first glanced at this picture of you one of your songs started playing in my head:Tell me who do you think you see You’re standing in your corner looking out on me You think I’m so predictable Tell me who do you think I am Looks can be deceiving Better guess again Tell me what you see When you look at me Okay well since you asked, what I see when I look at you is confusion. I don’t get it. I don’t understand this dress at all and I don’t think the designer who created it does either. It’s one part genie in a bottle, two parts “we couldn’t decide what colour it should be” and three parts “should I bare my midrift or not? Yes, no, yes, no, yes”. And by the way, what is your actual name anyway? You’ve been credited as Christina Milian, Christine Flores and Tina Flores so is one of them your real name or it a combination of all three? Or should I guess again? You’re all over the place Christina, if that’s even your name. I am encouraged by the fact that you’ve established yourself as a thoroughly typecast actress, playing a band member in American Pie and the member of a girl band in Be Cool, but I think I’m going to need to see some more consistency from you before I can tell you exactly what I see. GRAMMYS: FIREFLIES AND STEPFORD WIVES You would think with all the cash they’re raking in celebrities wouldn’t have to beg borrow or steal from anyone, but once again I’m seeing yet another celebrity walking the carpet in a dress she stole from the wardrobe department of a movie she featured in. I realise that Faith Hill is the mother of 3 children and probably doesn’t have time to shop, sing and drop the kids at school but that’s no excuse for her to attend a music awards ceremony wearing a dress she pilfered from the set of The Stepford Wives, and such hideously ugly one at that. I'm sure country music fans in trailer parks across the globe were praising Faith's sense of style and sophistication here but I don't live in a trailer park, I have all my teeth and I read Vogue and I think it's horrific. ThursdayGRAMMYS: MISSING OLSEN TRIPLET FOUND! At 6pm local time in Los Angeles yesterday evening Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen's long lost triplet Fiona Apple, was discovered walking the green carpet at the 48th Annual Grammy Awards. A wised up reporter raised the alarm upon Fiona's entry when she recognized the uncanny resemblance between the 3 girls. Further research revealed that Fiona was abandoned by the Olsen family in 1987 when the tiny tot bombed her audition for the popular television sitcom Full House. Fiona was then taken in by the Apple family and grew up on Manhattan's Upper West side and now resides in Venice Beach, California where she enjoys a successful career as a singer. It has not yet been confirmed when she will be reunited with sisters Mary Kate and Ashley. GRAMMYS: JOSS STONED Joss Stone, you seem so sweet and bubbly and you’re such the hippy chick with your daisy behind your ear and your long flowing dresses and barefoot performances, but like all things sweet and bubbly there comes a point when you consume too much and begin to feel ill. That’s how I feel when I look at you here. I am no longer prepared to devour your cheerful disposition while you insist on wearing psychedelic print dresses that make me either feel like I know what it’s like to be on acid or give me a headache. Please return your dress to Athena Star Woman’s wardrobe and leave the slitty eyed smiling to Renee Zellweger and maybe then we can talk about getting you a better fashion endorsement deal than Gap. WednesdayGRAMMYS 2005 FLASHBACK: SHERYL CROWIn anticipation of the 2006 Grammy Awards airing tonight, I’d like to present a fashion flashback or two to last years awards. Sheryl Crow was either under pressure to match her outfit and bag with Lance’s yellow Live Strong bracelet or she literally soaked up the sun at last years’ Grammy Awards. The end result of which was a bikini dress that would have looked more at home on a Dancing with the Stars contestant than it did on an ageing rocker like Miss Crow, who’s going to remain a Miss for a while longer now that Lance Armstrong will only be mounting his bike from now on and not her. Look on the bright side Shez, you can wear any colour you like to this years’ Grammys and no one will complain, not even me, promise.GRAMMYS 2005 FLASH BACK: NELLY More country club than country grammar, rapper Nelly arrived at last years Grammys dressed like Walter Matheau’s character from Grumpy Old Men. Close inspection of the bio on his website reveals that this was more of a publicity stunt to promote his album titled Suit than an attempt to impersonate an incontinent 80 year old man:“Though the clothes don’t make the man, Nelly’s Suit is woven from the fabric of hip-hop’s growing embrace of the maturity of its practioners and an acknowledgement that even youth culture must grow up at some point. Suit is nothing off-the-rack. It’s a custom-cut statement of maturity and sensuality that not only speaks to the truths of its creator, but represents the evolution of an art form.” That’s the biggest load of publicity poop I’ve ever heard but he was certainly spot on with the maturity part and I’m actually glad the clothes don’t make the man because then that would make Nelly the major of Nellyville instead of the album’s singer. I really hope he dresses to promote his album Sweat at this years Grammys, I’d like to see that. TuesdayLAZY LEFT EYE HILTON Despite an obvious obsession with her appearance, it amazes me that Paris Hilton has failed to ever correct her lazy left eye. Every time I look at a photograph of her I am strangely distracted by it in the same way the stump of a one armed person is distracting. You want to be polite and focus on something else, their face, their outfit, their insanely orange spray tan, but your gaze is magnetically drawn back to the obvious imperfection before you.My guess is that the eye is to blame for her recent storage facility scandal. You try reading an outstanding account statement with only one and a half eyes open. Now the storage company has sold off her possessions and she’s all upset and “devasted” that her private diaries and photographs will become public. But hasn’t this already happened? Or had I traveled forward in time when I saw Confessions of a Heiress on the shelf at the book store? It doesn’t matter what Paris Hilton wears, does, or who she’s doing it with, all I’m ever going to see is that eye. MondaySUPER BEAUTIFUL MISTERIf Angelina Jolie had a threesome with Tommy Lee and one of the girls from Tatu then my guess is that the resulting love child would look something like this.  Allow me to introduce you to she-man punk rocker Bif Naked. Just when you think this couldn’t get any weirder or more bizarre, wait until I tell you where this photo was taken. At the after party for the 2006 Lingerie Bowl. Yes it’s just like the real Superbowl only the players are strippers and c grade celebrities wearing bras and panties with their player numbers emblazed across their left bra cup. It sounds more like the wet dream of a pre-pubescent young boy than an actual televised event but believe me it’s real and it happened yesterday in Los Angeles and the New York Euphoria team took the title. Bif here was at the after party promotiong her new album Superbeautifulmonster which I'm guessing is an autobiography? FridayANGELINA JOLIE: HUSBAND RAIDER She snatched Billy Bob Thornton away from Laura Dern with the promise of matching grave stones and vials of blood, she lured Brad Pitt away from Jennifer Aniston with cute little foreign orphans and third world countries, and now karma has caught up with Angelina Jolie, she’s got side burns. Some might say it’s caused by pregnancy hormones, it could be for a movie role, but something tells me that Miss Jolie here has raided one too many woman's husbands and revenge is being served in the form of excess facial hair. ThursdayBAD PRESS I have absolutely no idea who Natalie Press is and I don’t particularly care. What I do care about however is the heinous crime against fashion she’s committing here and that she’s doing it at a Lanvin VIP party in London. You would think that if you were attending a party for a top fashion design house that you might want to look, I don’t know, fashionable? Unless your idea of fashionable is your 4 year old sister styling you with the contents of her dress up box. What kind of a sane person over the age of 4 would wear a long sleeved grey skivvy (polo neck, turtle neck –whatever) under a dress, with grey stockings, bright green shoes and a bag that doesn’t match or compliment the ensemble in any way? No one! It’s not even close to that whole ‘mismatching is cool’ Sienna Miller-esque thing if that’s what she was going for here. Nope, I’m sorry Natalie, the only press you’re getting for this one is bad. WednesdaySydney SAG Awards Whilst the real celebrities were attending the SAG awards in LA, the wannabe celebrities of Sydney were out in force at the Arena TV SAG Awards Viewing Luncheon. Sadly Kate Fischer, the poor mans Elle McPherson, wasn't clued up on what the SAG part meant and arrived with some sag of her own. When you’ve dated a billionaire’s son, modeled, acted and been on a reality TV show then you must be really smart, so I don’t know how this one escaped poor Kate. I don’t know how a lot of things escaped Kate, like James Packer for one, but one thing that is not escaping her here is a few nominations.Worst Supporting Act: Pink Sparkly Top Best Use of Tan Lines in a Leading Role: The Sag Twins Most likely to have thrown up in the toilet 5 minutes after this photo was taken: Kate Fischer |
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