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CELEBRITIES WHO DARE TO DRESS DISASTROUSLY GET DIS'ED AND DISMISSED
Tuesday
SAG Awards: The Colour Purple
I would have given my box set of The O.C series one dvds to have seen the look on Felicity Huffman and Marcia Cross's faces when they first laid eyes on each other at the Screen Actors Guild awards last night. Obviously it must have been too late for either of them to go home and change or I would have no reason to be writing this right now. That shade of purple, sorry, lavender that they are both wearing is so identical that I swear it's been cut from the same role of fabric.
It must have been mighty uncomfortable walking down the press line on that red carpet, trying to play the happy Desperate Housewives cast in all those group shots whilst secretly seething on the inside wishing you had of worn that black cocktail dress instead. I can imagine Felicity just laughing it all off but Marcia Cross taking it really personally and planning her revenge, possibly considering getting a hold of some of that potassium level increasing medication that George used to kill off Rex and slipping it into Felicity's champagne while she was on stage collecting yet another award.
Unless Marcia is worried about Felicity knocking her out with those man arms of hers (seriously have you seen her biceps?) then she has nothing to worry about. She looks 10 times more stunning than Felicity in her straight up and down gown ever could. Judging by the cut of Felicity's gown versus Marcia's I'm guessing that Felicity was the copy cat here. It literally looks like a left over piece of material she picked up off Marcia's seamstresses cutting room floor, wrapped it around herself and thought, yeah that'll do. No, it won't do. Felicity Huffman, you are officially dismissed.
SAG Awards: Here comes the Bride
Okay now I'm seriously getting worried about Hilary Swank. Since her and Chad Lowe officially separated 3 weeks ago she’s barely been holding it together and now she's wearing what looks very much like a wedding dress to the Screen Actors Guild Awards. AWARDS Hilary, it's an AWARDS CEREMONY you're attending, not a wedding ceremony, not your wedding to Chad, you are separated. You’re not going to jolt Chad’s hardened heart back to your wedding day in ’97 when he was madly in love with you before you started playing transgender characters and freaking him out.
You really need to pull it together here if you’re going to win him back and it’s going to require a bit more than some masking tape to fix this one. Yes, we heard about how the hem of your dress split on your way to the SAG awards and that you cleverly stopped and bought some white masking tape to hold your dress in place and it’s a great little anecdote because it’s rather symbolic of your life at present.
If you want Chad back here’s what I suggest: less man, more woman. Soften those hard edges. Stay away from the gym and any roles that require you to either dress like a man or beat one up. Take some tips from Reese Witherspoon and I’m sure Chad will come running back.
Friday
AVN Awards: What the?
There is so much that’s wrong with Summer Hayes’s ensemble here that I don’t even know where to start so let’s go with the obvious, the leotard, or is it a catsuit? (I don’t even know what you would call this kind of get up, I’m not down with the stripper lingo these days). The black shiny lycra makes me think leotard but the all in one approach is more catsuit. Where would you even buy something this? The sexy hore* store? No, I’m sure Summer probably had this specially made by a 68 year old ex-stripper now seamstress who slaves over a sewing machine with a fag hanging out the corner of her mouth randomly dropping chunks of burning ash onto the pieces of material she’s working on leaving burn holes that she creatively turns into little peek-a-boo patches, like the one around Summer’s navel. What I find ironic though is that of the few pieces of skin Summer chose to cover here, she chose to cover up her breasts. You can’t get more conservative than that when you’re a pawn* star. Does that make her a respectable adult film actress then? Or is it her years of industry experience that makes her well respected? And I know she’s got years of experience under her belly chain just by looking at that crotch of hers. It appears to have caved in from overuse and exhaustion. And those shoes! White? So much height! They’re like mini podiums permanently attached to her feet so if she feels like breaking into dance later on she’s already up on a podium.
Poor Summer, if she thought that working in the adult film industry was a good decision then I guess we can’t expect her to make good fashion decisions.
*These words are deliberately spelt wrong to avoid this site being blocked by safety filters
AVN Awards: Double Trouble
Someone forgot to tell Sunny Lane and Flower Tucci that they wouldn’t be required to work at the Adult Film Industry Awards. Close your mouths girls.
Thursday
AVN Awards: Nice . . . dress
Wow. Forget everything I said about Scarlett Johannson yesterday because I clearly had no cause for concern whatsoever while Exotica (yes that is her actual name) over to left here is out walking the red carpets of the world. Granted the red carpet she's walking is at the AVN Awards (or as I like to call them, the Pawn* Star Oscars) so yes this is probably to be expected at such an event but still her side on silouette startles me to some degree. I feel like they're growing right in front of my eyes.
Scarlett, continue about your business hiking those honeys up as high as you want because it's obviously not you we need to worry about (you're still on boobwatch though just to be sure).
*Pawn is deliberately spelt wrong to avoid this site being blocked by safety filters
Wednesday
A Tale of Two Titties
As a cleavagely challenged woman myself, I have always had a fascination with the boobs on parade at awards ceremonies and premieres. Particularly over the past few months with those belonging to Scarlett Johannson. Those two puppies are inching closer and closer to her neck with every award ceremony and film premiere she attends. It’s as if they’re trying to reach her neck in an attempt to strangle her for strapping them down so tightly every time she walks out the door.
Exhibit A (left) Golden Globes. You should have seen her side on here, it was like Jessica Rabbit had come to life. Isaac Mizraahi even had to grab a hand full to check that they were real.
Exhibit B (left below) Matchpoint premiere LA. Scared to breathe in case they pop out Scarlett?
Exhibit C (right) The Island premier. For some reason I’m distracted here by Ewan McGregor’s neat little square of chest hair resembling the trim, neatly groomed pubic hair of a playboy centerfold. Ew Ewan.
Take a leaf out of Drew Barrymore’s book Scar, and let the girls go free. In the mean time I’m putting you on Boobwatch until you give the twins a break.
Tuesday
Golden Globes: Fur is Dead
Back in October at the premier of her new film Nanny McPhee, Emma Thompson was asked to comment on what it was like being transformed into a hideous wart covered witch for her starring role in the film, to which she replied “I always find it more strange being glammed up”. I didn’t quite understand what she meant until I saw this atrocity at the Golden Globes.
If your idea of ‘glammed up’ is wearing an entire colony of dead rabbits around your neck then yes, I would say that it is very strange to be 'glammed up'.
To be fair to poor Emma, maybe at the beginning of the night she was only wearing two, very small, elegant rabbit wraps and then during the course of the marathon length Golden Globes ceremony those two wraps mated with each other giving birth to baby rabbit wraps who then had their own baby wraps and so on until this hideous crime against fashion (and animals) reached the epic proportions we see here. Or maybe she just wore it on purpose (shudder).
Golden Globes: I'd rather go naked than wear fur
Why is Alanis Morisette walking the red carpet topless? Stranger still, why doesn't she have any nipples? Oh no, wait, sorry my mistake. The top half of her dress is just the colour nude, she's not actually nude. Damn, I was hoping she was making some super model-esque statement about rather going naked than wearing fur and was planning on throwing red paint all over Emma Thompson and her dead rabbit colony later in the evening. Shame, Emma Thompson would have looked so much better with a splash of colour added to her outfit.
Monday
Golden Globes: The Battle of the Bump
My bump, my bump my bump my bump, my lovely baby bump, check it out:
Is it just me, or does anyone else sense that there's an unspoken rivalry in Hollywood at the moment amongst pregnant starlets attempting to out dress each other? I think it’s great that they’re not running around wearing baby doll dresses and elastic maternity pants but shouldn’t they be at home with their feet up or something? Since they’re out walking the red carpets of the world instead, I’m left with no other choice then to let them have it.
Gwyneth Paltrow, I think you stole this dress from the wardrobe department when you were filming Shakespeare in Love back in ’98 and you thought that now after 8 years it would be safe to wear it for the first time and no one would make the connection. I know you told everyone this dress was designed by Balenciaga but you’re not fooling anyone Paltrow. The puffy sleeves, the stiff collar . . . the wardrobe department is short one cream coloured dress and we know you did it.
Rachel Weisz , what I want to know from you is what did you call the colour of this dress when you told your stylist "I have decided to wear the -insert colour here- Donna Karan dress"? Is there a name for the colour of pond scum? Because I can't think of anything else that has a brown blue oily shimmer quite like it.
Even though you’ve both succeeded in looking sexy, sophisticated and stylish whilst carrying another human being inside you, there’s something about Gwyneth here that just oozes maternal warmth and goodness that makes me want to be a part of her little fruit bowl of a family. So Rachel Weisz, you are officially dismissed.
Golden Globes: Starlight Starbright
Since not many people actually know (or care) who Ziyi Zhang is, she decided to wear the brightest possible shade of fluro green imaginable to the Golden Globes this year to be certain that we all noticed her, and of course we did.
But did she have to ruin an absolutely stunning Giorgio Armani gown on her quest for press? It was the most beautifully cut dress I saw on any celebrity during the entire duration of the Golden Globes so why couldn't she have just left it alone instead of getting someone from the Nickelodeon channel to slime her before she walked out the door? I wish someone could've given me a heads up before she appeared onscreen so I could have turned down the brightness setting on my television set.
Clearly Harold Perrineau from Lost was wise to Ziyi's plan though, he came prepared for battle wearing his sunglasses.
Or maybe he was worried about catching a glimpse of his own reflection and being blinded by the hideous brightness of his yellow tie and red shirt? What's the deal here Harold? Is this some kind of racially motivated political statement you're making by choosing to wear neither a black or white shirt and tie? Are you trying to be neutral again like the time you played Mercutio in Baz Luhrmann's Romeo and Juliet and you were cast because you are African American and obviously not related to either Montague or Capulat? Because if you are, that's great and all, just tone it down a few hues for us next time.
You've both succeeded in grabbing our attention, you've emphasised your points well, but Harold if you had put in slightly more effort and worn a coloured suit instead of black, maybe then you'd be a contender for the brightest shining star on the red carpet, Ziyi just out shone you today, literally. Harold Perrineau, you're officially dismissed.
For those of you who do care Ziyi Zhang was nominated for Best Actress for her role in Memoirs of a Geisha and has also starred in Rush Hour 2. I'm sure she's huge in China.
Golden Globes: On your marks, get set, go!
If I didn’t know this photo was taken on the red carpet at the Golden Globes I'd think that Hilary Swank had joined the American Olympic swim team and was standing on the blocks about to take her mark for the 100m freestyle. Poor Hil, she probably goes to so many events and award ceremonies that combined with all the emotional upset from the breakdown of her marriage to Chad she got confused and thought she was going to a swim meet and not an awards ceremony. Doesn't she have people she pays to make sure she's dressed in an appropriate outfit for the occasion? If they did realise that they were dressing her for the Golden Globes then what I want to know is who designed this dress? Are Speedo branching out into haute couture now?
I don't know how good you are at swimming Hil, but you're definitely not winning the gold medal for best dressed at the Golden Globes.
Friday
Golden Globes: I’m a present, unwrap me!
I think Christmas was a little to close for comfort to the Golden Globes this year because it seems that Keira Knightley and Cynthia Nixon's respective stylists were inspired by the presents under the tree when they choose these dresses.
Cynthia looks like a pre-wrapped gift you buy at an expensive department store, and poor Keira looks like something her Nana wrapped and then decorated with some tassles that were left over from the time she made her own lounge room curtains.
Both woman do look absolutely stunning though, don’t get me wrong, but that was not the thought I was left with when I looked away. I found myself wondering what would happen if I pulled on the ends of those bows hard enough? Would their dresses fall to the floor leaving them standing naked on the red carpet? Because according to Isaac Mizrahi in his interviews with the stars at the Golden Globes, not many of them bother with bras or panties under there. Just look at that guy standing next to Keira, you know that he’s thinking “Jeez, nice rack. Maybe if I tug on one of those cords hard enough her dress will fall off and give me a better view?”. In Cynthia Nixon's case however the better view would be the dress without the bow.
Remember next time ladies that all we require on the red carpet is your presence, not presents.
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Tuesday
SAG Awards: The Colour Purple
I would have given my box set of The O.C series one dvds to have seen the look on Felicity Huffman and Marcia Cross's faces when they first laid eyes on each other at the Screen Actors Guild awards last night. Obviously it must have been too late for either of them to go home and change or I would have no reason to be writing this right now. That shade of purple, sorry, lavender that they are both wearing is so identical that I swear it's been cut from the same role of fabric.
It must have been mighty uncomfortable walking down the press line on that red carpet, trying to play the happy Desperate Housewives cast in all those group shots whilst secretly seething on the inside wishing you had of worn that black cocktail dress instead. I can imagine Felicity just laughing it all off but Marcia Cross taking it really personally and planning her revenge, possibly considering getting a hold of some of that potassium level increasing medication that George used to kill off Rex and slipping it into Felicity's champagne while she was on stage collecting yet another award.
Unless Marcia is worried about Felicity knocking her out with those man arms of hers (seriously have you seen her biceps?) then she has nothing to worry about. She looks 10 times more stunning than Felicity in her straight up and down gown ever could. Judging by the cut of Felicity's gown versus Marcia's I'm guessing that Felicity was the copy cat here. It literally looks like a left over piece of material she picked up off Marcia's seamstresses cutting room floor, wrapped it around herself and thought, yeah that'll do. No, it won't do. Felicity Huffman, you are officially dismissed.
SAG Awards: Here comes the Bride
Okay now I'm seriously getting worried about Hilary Swank. Since her and Chad Lowe officially separated 3 weeks ago she’s barely been holding it together and now she's wearing what looks very much like a wedding dress to the Screen Actors Guild Awards. AWARDS Hilary, it's an AWARDS CEREMONY you're attending, not a wedding ceremony, not your wedding to Chad, you are separated. You’re not going to jolt Chad’s hardened heart back to your wedding day in ’97 when he was madly in love with you before you started playing transgender characters and freaking him out.
You really need to pull it together here if you’re going to win him back and it’s going to require a bit more than some masking tape to fix this one. Yes, we heard about how the hem of your dress split on your way to the SAG awards and that you cleverly stopped and bought some white masking tape to hold your dress in place and it’s a great little anecdote because it’s rather symbolic of your life at present.
If you want Chad back here’s what I suggest: less man, more woman. Soften those hard edges. Stay away from the gym and any roles that require you to either dress like a man or beat one up. Take some tips from Reese Witherspoon and I’m sure Chad will come running back.
Friday
AVN Awards: What the?
There is so much that’s wrong with Summer Hayes’s ensemble here that I don’t even know where to start so let’s go with the obvious, the leotard, or is it a catsuit? (I don’t even know what you would call this kind of get up, I’m not down with the stripper lingo these days). The black shiny lycra makes me think leotard but the all in one approach is more catsuit. Where would you even buy something this? The sexy hore* store? No, I’m sure Summer probably had this specially made by a 68 year old ex-stripper now seamstress who slaves over a sewing machine with a fag hanging out the corner of her mouth randomly dropping chunks of burning ash onto the pieces of material she’s working on leaving burn holes that she creatively turns into little peek-a-boo patches, like the one around Summer’s navel. What I find ironic though is that of the few pieces of skin Summer chose to cover here, she chose to cover up her breasts. You can’t get more conservative than that when you’re a pawn* star. Does that make her a respectable adult film actress then? Or is it her years of industry experience that makes her well respected? And I know she’s got years of experience under her belly chain just by looking at that crotch of hers. It appears to have caved in from overuse and exhaustion. And those shoes! White? So much height! They’re like mini podiums permanently attached to her feet so if she feels like breaking into dance later on she’s already up on a podium.
Poor Summer, if she thought that working in the adult film industry was a good decision then I guess we can’t expect her to make good fashion decisions.
*These words are deliberately spelt wrong to avoid this site being blocked by safety filters
AVN Awards: Double Trouble
Someone forgot to tell Sunny Lane and Flower Tucci that they wouldn’t be required to work at the Adult Film Industry Awards. Close your mouths girls.
Thursday
AVN Awards: Nice . . . dress
Wow. Forget everything I said about Scarlett Johannson yesterday because I clearly had no cause for concern whatsoever while Exotica (yes that is her actual name) over to left here is out walking the red carpets of the world. Granted the red carpet she's walking is at the AVN Awards (or as I like to call them, the Pawn* Star Oscars) so yes this is probably to be expected at such an event but still her side on silouette startles me to some degree. I feel like they're growing right in front of my eyes.
Scarlett, continue about your business hiking those honeys up as high as you want because it's obviously not you we need to worry about (you're still on boobwatch though just to be sure).
*Pawn is deliberately spelt wrong to avoid this site being blocked by safety filters
Wednesday
A Tale of Two Titties
As a cleavagely challenged woman myself, I have always had a fascination with the boobs on parade at awards ceremonies and premieres. Particularly over the past few months with those belonging to Scarlett Johannson. Those two puppies are inching closer and closer to her neck with every award ceremony and film premiere she attends. It’s as if they’re trying to reach her neck in an attempt to strangle her for strapping them down so tightly every time she walks out the door.
Exhibit A (left) Golden Globes. You should have seen her side on here, it was like Jessica Rabbit had come to life. Isaac Mizraahi even had to grab a hand full to check that they were real.
Exhibit B (left below) Matchpoint premiere LA. Scared to breathe in case they pop out Scarlett?
Exhibit C (right) The Island premier. For some reason I’m distracted here by Ewan McGregor’s neat little square of chest hair resembling the trim, neatly groomed pubic hair of a playboy centerfold. Ew Ewan.
Take a leaf out of Drew Barrymore’s book Scar, and let the girls go free. In the mean time I’m putting you on Boobwatch until you give the twins a break.
Tuesday
Golden Globes: Fur is Dead
Back in October at the premier of her new film Nanny McPhee, Emma Thompson was asked to comment on what it was like being transformed into a hideous wart covered witch for her starring role in the film, to which she replied “I always find it more strange being glammed up”. I didn’t quite understand what she meant until I saw this atrocity at the Golden Globes.
If your idea of ‘glammed up’ is wearing an entire colony of dead rabbits around your neck then yes, I would say that it is very strange to be 'glammed up'.
To be fair to poor Emma, maybe at the beginning of the night she was only wearing two, very small, elegant rabbit wraps and then during the course of the marathon length Golden Globes ceremony those two wraps mated with each other giving birth to baby rabbit wraps who then had their own baby wraps and so on until this hideous crime against fashion (and animals) reached the epic proportions we see here. Or maybe she just wore it on purpose (shudder).
Golden Globes: I'd rather go naked than wear fur
Why is Alanis Morisette walking the red carpet topless? Stranger still, why doesn't she have any nipples? Oh no, wait, sorry my mistake. The top half of her dress is just the colour nude, she's not actually nude. Damn, I was hoping she was making some super model-esque statement about rather going naked than wearing fur and was planning on throwing red paint all over Emma Thompson and her dead rabbit colony later in the evening. Shame, Emma Thompson would have looked so much better with a splash of colour added to her outfit.
Monday
Golden Globes: The Battle of the Bump
My bump, my bump my bump my bump, my lovely baby bump, check it out:
Is it just me, or does anyone else sense that there's an unspoken rivalry in Hollywood at the moment amongst pregnant starlets attempting to out dress each other? I think it’s great that they’re not running around wearing baby doll dresses and elastic maternity pants but shouldn’t they be at home with their feet up or something? Since they’re out walking the red carpets of the world instead, I’m left with no other choice then to let them have it.
Gwyneth Paltrow, I think you stole this dress from the wardrobe department when you were filming Shakespeare in Love back in ’98 and you thought that now after 8 years it would be safe to wear it for the first time and no one would make the connection. I know you told everyone this dress was designed by Balenciaga but you’re not fooling anyone Paltrow. The puffy sleeves, the stiff collar . . . the wardrobe department is short one cream coloured dress and we know you did it.
Rachel Weisz , what I want to know from you is what did you call the colour of this dress when you told your stylist "I have decided to wear the -insert colour here- Donna Karan dress"? Is there a name for the colour of pond scum? Because I can't think of anything else that has a brown blue oily shimmer quite like it.
Even though you’ve both succeeded in looking sexy, sophisticated and stylish whilst carrying another human being inside you, there’s something about Gwyneth here that just oozes maternal warmth and goodness that makes me want to be a part of her little fruit bowl of a family. So Rachel Weisz, you are officially dismissed.
Golden Globes: Starlight Starbright
Since not many people actually know (or care) who Ziyi Zhang is, she decided to wear the brightest possible shade of fluro green imaginable to the Golden Globes this year to be certain that we all noticed her, and of course we did.
But did she have to ruin an absolutely stunning Giorgio Armani gown on her quest for press? It was the most beautifully cut dress I saw on any celebrity during the entire duration of the Golden Globes so why couldn't she have just left it alone instead of getting someone from the Nickelodeon channel to slime her before she walked out the door? I wish someone could've given me a heads up before she appeared onscreen so I could have turned down the brightness setting on my television set.
Clearly Harold Perrineau from Lost was wise to Ziyi's plan though, he came prepared for battle wearing his sunglasses.
Or maybe he was worried about catching a glimpse of his own reflection and being blinded by the hideous brightness of his yellow tie and red shirt? What's the deal here Harold? Is this some kind of racially motivated political statement you're making by choosing to wear neither a black or white shirt and tie? Are you trying to be neutral again like the time you played Mercutio in Baz Luhrmann's Romeo and Juliet and you were cast because you are African American and obviously not related to either Montague or Capulat? Because if you are, that's great and all, just tone it down a few hues for us next time.
You've both succeeded in grabbing our attention, you've emphasised your points well, but Harold if you had put in slightly more effort and worn a coloured suit instead of black, maybe then you'd be a contender for the brightest shining star on the red carpet, Ziyi just out shone you today, literally. Harold Perrineau, you're officially dismissed.
For those of you who do care Ziyi Zhang was nominated for Best Actress for her role in Memoirs of a Geisha and has also starred in Rush Hour 2. I'm sure she's huge in China.
Golden Globes: On your marks, get set, go!
If I didn’t know this photo was taken on the red carpet at the Golden Globes I'd think that Hilary Swank had joined the American Olympic swim team and was standing on the blocks about to take her mark for the 100m freestyle. Poor Hil, she probably goes to so many events and award ceremonies that combined with all the emotional upset from the breakdown of her marriage to Chad she got confused and thought she was going to a swim meet and not an awards ceremony. Doesn't she have people she pays to make sure she's dressed in an appropriate outfit for the occasion? If they did realise that they were dressing her for the Golden Globes then what I want to know is who designed this dress? Are Speedo branching out into haute couture now?
I don't know how good you are at swimming Hil, but you're definitely not winning the gold medal for best dressed at the Golden Globes.
Friday
Golden Globes: I’m a present, unwrap me!
I think Christmas was a little to close for comfort to the Golden Globes this year because it seems that Keira Knightley and Cynthia Nixon's respective stylists were inspired by the presents under the tree when they choose these dresses.
Cynthia looks like a pre-wrapped gift you buy at an expensive department store, and poor Keira looks like something her Nana wrapped and then decorated with some tassles that were left over from the time she made her own lounge room curtains.
Both woman do look absolutely stunning though, don’t get me wrong, but that was not the thought I was left with when I looked away. I found myself wondering what would happen if I pulled on the ends of those bows hard enough? Would their dresses fall to the floor leaving them standing naked on the red carpet? Because according to Isaac Mizrahi in his interviews with the stars at the Golden Globes, not many of them bother with bras or panties under there. Just look at that guy standing next to Keira, you know that he’s thinking “Jeez, nice rack. Maybe if I tug on one of those cords hard enough her dress will fall off and give me a better view?”. In Cynthia Nixon's case however the better view would be the dress without the bow.
Remember next time ladies that all we require on the red carpet is your presence, not presents.
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CELEBRITIES WHO DARE TO DRESS DISASTROUSLY GET DIS'ED AND DISMISSED |
TuesdaySAG Awards: The Colour Purple I would have given my box set of The O.C series one dvds to have seen the look on Felicity Huffman and Marcia Cross's faces when they first laid eyes on each other at the Screen Actors Guild awards last night. Obviously it must have been too late for either of them to go home and change or I would have no reason to be writing this right now. That shade of purple, sorry, lavender that they are both wearing is so identical that I swear it's been cut from the same role of fabric.It must have been mighty uncomfortable walking down the press line on that red carpet, trying to play the happy Desperate Housewives cast in all those group shots whilst secretly seething on the inside wishing you had of worn that black cocktail dress instead. I can imagine Felicity just laughing it all off but Marcia Cross taking it really personally and planning her revenge, possibly considering getting a hold of some of that potassium level increasing medication that George used to kill off Rex and slipping it into Felicity's champagne while she was on stage collecting yet another award. Unless Marcia is worried about Felicity knocking her out with those man arms of hers (seriously have you seen her biceps?) then she has nothing to worry about. She looks 10 times more stunning than Felicity in her straight up and down gown ever could. Judging by the cut of Felicity's gown versus Marcia's I'm guessing that Felicity was the copy cat here. It literally looks like a left over piece of material she picked up off Marcia's seamstresses cutting room floor, wrapped it around herself and thought, yeah that'll do. No, it won't do. Felicity Huffman, you are officially dismissed. SAG Awards: Here comes the Bride Okay now I'm seriously getting worried about Hilary Swank. Since her and Chad Lowe officially separated 3 weeks ago she’s barely been holding it together and now she's wearing what looks very much like a wedding dress to the Screen Actors Guild Awards. AWARDS Hilary, it's an AWARDS CEREMONY you're attending, not a wedding ceremony, not your wedding to Chad, you are separated. You’re not going to jolt Chad’s hardened heart back to your wedding day in ’97 when he was madly in love with you before you started playing transgender characters and freaking him out.You really need to pull it together here if you’re going to win him back and it’s going to require a bit more than some masking tape to fix this one. Yes, we heard about how the hem of your dress split on your way to the SAG awards and that you cleverly stopped and bought some white masking tape to hold your dress in place and it’s a great little anecdote because it’s rather symbolic of your life at present. If you want Chad back here’s what I suggest: less man, more woman. Soften those hard edges. Stay away from the gym and any roles that require you to either dress like a man or beat one up. Take some tips from Reese Witherspoon and I’m sure Chad will come running back. FridayAVN Awards: What the? There is so much that’s wrong with Summer Hayes’s ensemble here that I don’t even know where to start so let’s go with the obvious, the leotard, or is it a catsuit? (I don’t even know what you would call this kind of get up, I’m not down with the stripper lingo these days). The black shiny lycra makes me think leotard but the all in one approach is more catsuit. Where would you even buy something this? The sexy hore* store? No, I’m sure Summer probably had this specially made by a 68 year old ex-stripper now seamstress who slaves over a sewing machine with a fag hanging out the corner of her mouth randomly dropping chunks of burning ash onto the pieces of material she’s working on leaving burn holes that she creatively turns into little peek-a-boo patches, like the one around Summer’s navel. What I find ironic though is that of the few pieces of skin Summer chose to cover here, she chose to cover up her breasts. You can’t get more conservative than that when you’re a pawn* star. Does that make her a respectable adult film actress then? Or is it her years of industry experience that makes her well respected? And I know she’s got years of experience under her belly chain just by looking at that crotch of hers. It appears to have caved in from overuse and exhaustion. And those shoes! White? So much height! They’re like mini podiums permanently attached to her feet so if she feels like breaking into dance later on she’s already up on a podium. Poor Summer, if she thought that working in the adult film industry was a good decision then I guess we can’t expect her to make good fashion decisions. *These words are deliberately spelt wrong to avoid this site being blocked by safety filters AVN Awards: Double Trouble Someone forgot to tell Sunny Lane and Flower Tucci that they wouldn’t be required to work at the Adult Film Industry Awards. Close your mouths girls. ThursdayAVN Awards: Nice . . . dressWow. Forget everything I said about Scarlett Johannson yesterday because I clearly had no cause for concern whatsoever while Exotica (yes that is her actual name) over to left here is out walking the red carpets of the world. Granted the red carpet she's walking is at the AVN Awards (or as I like to call them, the Pawn* Star Oscars) so yes this is probably to be expected at such an event but still her side on silouette startles me to some degree. I feel like they're growing right in front of my eyes. Scarlett, continue about your business hiking those honeys up as high as you want because it's obviously not you we need to worry about (you're still on boobwatch though just to be sure). *Pawn is deliberately spelt wrong to avoid this site being blocked by safety filters WednesdayA Tale of Two Titties As a cleavagely challenged woman myself, I have always had a fascination with the boobs on parade at awards ceremonies and premieres. Particularly over the past few months with those belonging to Scarlett Johannson. Those two puppies are inching closer and closer to her neck with every award ceremony and film premiere she attends. It’s as if they’re trying to reach her neck in an attempt to strangle her for strapping them down so tightly every time she walks out the door.Exhibit A (left) Golden Globes. You should have seen her side on here, it was like Jessica Rabbit had come to life. Isaac Mizraahi even had to grab a hand full to check that they were real.   Exhibit B (left below) Matchpoint premiere LA. Scared to breathe in case they pop out Scarlett? Exhibit C (right) The Island premier. For some reason I’m distracted here by Ewan McGregor’s neat little square of chest hair resembling the trim, neatly groomed pubic hair of a playboy centerfold. Ew Ewan. Take a leaf out of Drew Barrymore’s book Scar, and let the girls go free. In the mean time I’m putting you on Boobwatch until you give the twins a break. TuesdayGolden Globes: Fur is Dead Back in October at the premier of her new film Nanny McPhee, Emma Thompson was asked to comment on what it was like being transformed into a hideous wart covered witch for her starring role in the film, to which she replied “I always find it more strange being glammed up”. I didn’t quite understand what she meant until I saw this atrocity at the Golden Globes. If your idea of ‘glammed up’ is wearing an entire colony of dead rabbits around your neck then yes, I would say that it is very strange to be 'glammed up'. To be fair to poor Emma, maybe at the beginning of the night she was only wearing two, very small, elegant rabbit wraps and then during the course of the marathon length Golden Globes ceremony those two wraps mated with each other giving birth to baby rabbit wraps who then had their own baby wraps and so on until this hideous crime against fashion (and animals) reached the epic proportions we see here. Or maybe she just wore it on purpose (shudder). Golden Globes: I'd rather go naked than wear fur Why is Alanis Morisette walking the red carpet topless? Stranger still, why doesn't she have any nipples? Oh no, wait, sorry my mistake. The top half of her dress is just the colour nude, she's not actually nude. Damn, I was hoping she was making some super model-esque statement about rather going naked than wearing fur and was planning on throwing red paint all over Emma Thompson and her dead rabbit colony later in the evening. Shame, Emma Thompson would have looked so much better with a splash of colour added to her outfit.MondayGolden Globes: The Battle of the BumpMy bump, my bump my bump my bump, my lovely baby bump, check it out:  Is it just me, or does anyone else sense that there's an unspoken rivalry in Hollywood at the moment amongst pregnant starlets attempting to out dress each other? I think it’s great that they’re not running around wearing baby doll dresses and elastic maternity pants but shouldn’t they be at home with their feet up or something? Since they’re out walking the red carpets of the world instead, I’m left with no other choice then to let them have it.Gwyneth Paltrow, I think you stole this dress from the wardrobe department when you were filming Shakespeare in Love back in ’98 and you thought that now after 8 years it would be safe to wear it for the first time and no one would make the connection. I know you told everyone this dress was designed by Balenciaga but you’re not fooling anyone Paltrow. The puffy sleeves, the stiff collar . . . the wardrobe department is short one cream coloured dress and we know you did it. Rachel Weisz , what I want to know from you is what did you call the colour of this dress when you told your stylist "I have decided to wear the -insert colour here- Donna Karan dress"? Is there a name for the colour of pond scum? Because I can't think of anything else that has a brown blue oily shimmer quite like it. Even though you’ve both succeeded in looking sexy, sophisticated and stylish whilst carrying another human being inside you, there’s something about Gwyneth here that just oozes maternal warmth and goodness that makes me want to be a part of her little fruit bowl of a family. So Rachel Weisz, you are officially dismissed. Golden Globes: Starlight Starbright Since not many people actually know (or care) who Ziyi Zhang is, she decided to wear the brightest possible shade of fluro green imaginable to the Golden Globes this year to be certain that we all noticed her, and of course we did. But did she have to ruin an absolutely stunning Giorgio Armani gown on her quest for press? It was the most beautifully cut dress I saw on any celebrity during the entire duration of the Golden Globes so why couldn't she have just left it alone instead of getting someone from the Nickelodeon channel to slime her before she walked out the door? I wish someone could've given me a heads up before she appeared onscreen so I could have turned down the brightness setting on my television set. Clearly Harold Perrineau from Lost was wise to Ziyi's plan though, he came prepared for battle wearing his sunglasses.  Or maybe he was worried about catching a glimpse of his own reflection and being blinded by the hideous brightness of his yellow tie and red shirt? What's the deal here Harold? Is this some kind of racially motivated political statement you're making by choosing to wear neither a black or white shirt and tie? Are you trying to be neutral again like the time you played Mercutio in Baz Luhrmann's Romeo and Juliet and you were cast because you are African American and obviously not related to either Montague or Capulat? Because if you are, that's great and all, just tone it down a few hues for us next time.You've both succeeded in grabbing our attention, you've emphasised your points well, but Harold if you had put in slightly more effort and worn a coloured suit instead of black, maybe then you'd be a contender for the brightest shining star on the red carpet, Ziyi just out shone you today, literally. Harold Perrineau, you're officially dismissed. For those of you who do care Ziyi Zhang was nominated for Best Actress for her role in Memoirs of a Geisha and has also starred in Rush Hour 2. I'm sure she's huge in China. Golden Globes: On your marks, get set, go! If I didn’t know this photo was taken on the red carpet at the Golden Globes I'd think that Hilary Swank had joined the American Olympic swim team and was standing on the blocks about to take her mark for the 100m freestyle. Poor Hil, she probably goes to so many events and award ceremonies that combined with all the emotional upset from the breakdown of her marriage to Chad she got confused and thought she was going to a swim meet and not an awards ceremony. Doesn't she have people she pays to make sure she's dressed in an appropriate outfit for the occasion? If they did realise that they were dressing her for the Golden Globes then what I want to know is who designed this dress? Are Speedo branching out into haute couture now? I don't know how good you are at swimming Hil, but you're definitely not winning the gold medal for best dressed at the Golden Globes. FridayGolden Globes: I’m a present, unwrap me!  I think Christmas was a little to close for comfort to the Golden Globes this year because it seems that Keira Knightley and Cynthia Nixon's respective stylists were inspired by the presents under the tree when they choose these dresses. Cynthia looks like a pre-wrapped gift you buy at an expensive department store, and poor Keira looks like something her Nana wrapped and then decorated with some tassles that were left over from the time she made her own lounge room curtains. Both woman do look absolutely stunning though, don’t get me wrong, but that was not the thought I was left with when I looked away. I found myself wondering what would happen if I pulled on the ends of those bows hard enough? Would their dresses fall to the floor leaving them standing naked on the red carpet? Because according to Isaac Mizrahi in his interviews with the stars at the Golden Globes, not many of them bother with bras or panties under there. Just look at that guy standing next to Keira, you know that he’s thinking “Jeez, nice rack. Maybe if I tug on one of those cords hard enough her dress will fall off and give me a better view?”. In Cynthia Nixon's case however the better view would be the dress without the bow. Remember next time ladies that all we require on the red carpet is your presence, not presents. |
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